And Then Some Triggers Stopped!

Our girls both suffer from PTSD.  It's there, we know it, we deal with it the best we can. 

When you suffer from PTSD, you are often subconsciously triggered into various emotional states and the reaction to the trigger becomes out of your control.  Reactions can be rage, fear, withdrawing, spacing out, for a moment your brain becomes locked into a negative place and it is especially difficult for a child to get "un-stuck".

I am mostly going to focus this post on my younger daughter because she has had the more difficult time with her PTSD.  My older daughter talks through her feelings, but Layla didn't have the words or the understanding of why she went through so much hurt. 

When my youngest daughter is triggered she reacts poorly, typically with a tantrum, but recently with going into a "frozen" state.  A trigger can come in the form of any of the senses.  We're not just talking the simple 5 senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, sound.  We're talking about at least 9 senses, and maybe more.  Here is a great read on the various senses at Today I Found Out.  

Some of the triggers we have encountered (and these are just the big ones I know and understand):
Black Men
Police Cars/Lights
Sirens From Police Cars
Certain words like "Stupid, brat, crazy, shut-up"  (not necessarily spoken by us to her, rather overheard somewhere)
Shut Doors-except when sleeping
Darkness
The Intersection near Department of Social Services
Major Changes In Weather (for example we went from 40 to 70 in a days time and it heightened her)
Fear of being alone
Fear of rejection (this could be asking us to pick her up, but we can't so we hug her instead)

I've written about the black men trigger before, and we've watched that almost cease since she started EMDR therapy.  About a month ago, we were eating out of town at Red Lobster and a black waiter passed our table, I immediately watched her entire body and face look scared.  I looked at her and simply said, "That's not HIM, we're far from home."  Her body then instantly relaxed. 

We've worked hard on the concept that police are good, they keep us safe as a society, their job is a hard job, but they do it to help protect people.

Our biggest hurdle right now is her fear  misconception of rejection.  This morning she wanted my husband to pick her up.  He can't because he's pulled his back before lifting her.  So he offered to hug her instead.  This to her meant "he must not love me or her would hold me".  So she started to unravel a bit.  She course corrected quickly though and did not melt-down.  That is MAJOR progress.  For awhile, we couldn't even tell her "No" without getting a horrible tantrum.  I realize a "fit" is normal when you tell a child "no" but for her "no" translates into "you don't love me".  

Triggers are hard to pinpoint sometimes.  It is all about becoming in-tune with your child and watching what happens before they react.  Most of the time when I step back from the crazy stuff, I remember I said or did something, or we passed by something in the store that set her off.

I said all of that to say this.  For the first time since the girls came home, I took them to the mall alone without any issues.  We were shopping for summer clothes to wear in Florida.  I didn't have one single bit of trouble from them.  Neither child got triggered into a fit.  We were there for about 2 hours.  That is a VERY long time for them to keep themselves in check.  I was so happy to have that day.  I think that it proved to me that the EMDR therapy has been effective.  We have watched a lot of progress in the last month.  I am sure we will have trouble in the coming month, but at least I know that the "good" days are possible!

Triggers

One of Layla's big triggers is black men.  We obviously don't know all of her past, but the parts we do know usually involved a black man (since she is also black... or BROWN as she says).

We've been working on that trigger in therapy using EMDR therapy.  It's not 100% but by golly it is way better now.    When she first came we couldn't even take her to a store for fear of her being triggered into a full-on rage.

When I was in a store with her for the first 4 months at least, I would find myself panning the room and avoiding anyone with her skin tone.   That may seem strange, but a rage tantrum is not something any parent wants their child to experience.  When you have PTSD you are often subconsciously triggered by things you don't understand.  It could be a smell, a sound, a person, many things can trigger a child with PTSD.

I wrote all of that to write this.  Our fantastic friend we will call him "Uncle B" is a black man.  He's like a big teddy bear with a kind heart, and he is great with the girls.

Saturday, I had to film for my show, and the girls were with me because my husband was "teaching" some computer geeks that day (I wrote that for his entertainment).   So "Uncle B" entertained the girls while I filmed my scenes.  He showed them that if you color in tiny circles it is easier to stay in the lines.  My girls just really adore him.   He is a great male influence of their same race.   I am thankful to have someone like that for them to see, because prior to "Uncle B", there were not many black men they could look up to or trust.   When Layla first met him almost 5 or 6 months ago, she wouldn't talk or even sit near him.  Now it's like they are old pals!

So we're certainly seeing some progress there.