I'm YOUR Mommy!

Last night we had dinner with my daughter's twin brothers, as well as their first foster parents.  I was really worried about this, but I figured I needed to bite the bullet and take whatever reactions came from it.  Thankfully, there weren't any from my girls.  It was a pleasant dinner.  The FFP's couldn't believe the MAJOR difference in Layla (4 year old).  They just kept saying they've never seen her so well behaved.  She stuck right by my side the entire time. 

I told her that it was ok for her to visit and talk and have fun, but I am her mommy, so she needs to listen to me, and the boys need to listen to their mommy.  She was an angel!  :)

This made me see that she is mine!  No one can change that now.  She sees me as HER mommy!  I keep her safe!  I listen to her!  I hold her when she needs reassurance that this is forever!  

The best part about the visit was getting a TON of pictures from them of the girls.  So now I have pictures from when Layla was 2, and when Molly was 4 up until now basically.  Plus we have some great shots of the girls and the boys together, as well as the boys on their own.  We bought a scrap book and after I get additional copies and scan the pictures, we will be scrapping for days! 

So I smile because my little girl is making so much progress and she is truly healing.  She amazes me to the point that some days I can't even remember the "bad" days we had just a month ago. 

The medication is helping, and she KNOWS it is.  In fact, she will ask for her medicine when it's time because I truly believe she can tell it is wearing off because her anxiety returns. 

I know I haven't posted much about my 6 year old lately, and I really need to.  I promise we don't just ignore her!  :)   Her progress is at a bit of a stand-still, and we have a lot in the works for helping her more right now.  I think for the first time since she entered care she is finally able to start processing the trauma, the loss, and she's trying to be a kid and fit in, but she's having a tough time!

I will post about her Monday because we've had some behaviors at school and this coming week we have some new appointments to help get her back on track! 

Overall, I couldn't be more pleased.  I feel like we're finally getting into more of a groove and I see the benefits of it for both of the girls!

Sad Day... Please Be Thankful!!!

First, the sad day wasn't ours. 

When I was TTC I was a member on the What To Expect forums.  I met a friend there named Lindsay, and she and I were both from Virginia, and pretty much in the same time line for appointments etc. 

We went on and stopped fertility treatments to adopt.  Lindsay and her husband did a cycle of injections and an IUI, and they conceived twin boys.  So very very sadly, just a month from her deliver date, with all of the plans made, Lindsay was in a terrible car accident!  She has many broken bones, but is on the mend physically.  Sadly, one of her prematurely delivered twin boys did not survive.  I am just so sick over this and completely heartbroken for she and her family.  I can't even imagine how she feels and my eyes well up with tears every time I think of her situation.   Please keep her family and her baby that is still trying to thrive in your thoughts. 

Attachment Therapy Games (Part 2 of 2)

Attachment Therapy Games (Part 1 of 2)

Blog 100!!! VIDEO BLOG!

As promised, we recorded the video blog for Attachment Therapy exercises.  I hope to do a few more video blogs (vlogs) in the future.  Once my girls are adopted, I would really like to include them in the videos.  My 4 year old is actually in the "Twinkle Twinkle" video, because we couldn't lift Maddie, but you can't see "Layla" because she's inside of the blanket. 

So enjoy the videos posted in their own posts  (there are two total).

Attachment Therapy Activities (A Must READ)

Attachment Therapy Activities

by Christie Q at http://quackenbaby.blogspot.com/

Feel free to share on your blogs.

Be animated, be funny, and be happy! 

Popcorn/Jellybeans:  When we first get into therapy (and at night now) we need to take our shoes off.  So we sniff the air and we smell popcorn or jelly beans.  Then we start to hunt around the feet to see if that is where the smell is coming from.  Then we take off the shoes and socks to find popcorn/jelly beans.  Then we pretend to eat the food/tickle her feet. 

Lotion on our Boo-Boos:  Next we ask if she has any boo-boos/freckles/etc. we need to look at.  And we put lotion on the “boo-boo” (as long as it wouldn’t hurt her). 

Climbing Up The Mountain:  Next we rub a TON of lotion on our hands, and take her arm into our grip, we then use our hands wrapped around her arm to “climb the mountain”.  We sing a little song… “I’m climbing up the mountain, I’m climbing up the mountain, I’m climbing up, and climbing up, and climbing up the mountain”.   Then at the top of the mountain (arm pit) we loose our grip and sliiiiiiiiiide down and ask her to catch us and then we boom and thrash around. 

Taco Girl:  She lays in the blanket aka taco shell.  Then we put all of the toppings with different sounds for each.  Hamburger, lettuce, tomato, cheese, sour cream, salsa, then we wrap her up in the blanket.  Next, we pretend to “eat” the taco.  Tickling and saying, “this is one very yummy taco” the whole time. 

Twinkle Twinkle:  Since our Taco Girl is already laying in the blanket, one adult grabs the corners on their end, the other adult grabs the corners on their end, we lift her up and sing, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star WHAT A SPECIAL GIRL YOU ARE, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky, twinkle, twinkle, little star, what a special girl you are”.   ---THIS IS A FAVORITE---

Weather Report:  This is done in therapy with her shirt on, but at home, we do it shirt off, w/ lotion for her back.  She sits facing away, and you sit behind her facing her back.  Then, you basically draw out the weather on her back.  Tickling, swishing, circling along the way.  “Right now it is dark (hands down back) and there is a moon in the sky (draw the moon) there are also lots of twinkling stars (dot out the stars), and some clouds too (clasp fingers together and blot clouds into the sky), OH LOOK, the sun is rising (draw the sun around the bottom of her back like it would be on the horizon, then it rising into the sky)  and the wind is blowing (breeze fingers left and right across her back).  You can get fun and creative with it… either way it is a favorite for my 4 yr old. 

Mirror:  Mirror is pretty simple, one of you is the person, the other is the mirror, and you mimic the person’s actions.  Do funny faces, wave hands, etc.  Personally, I love to do the “I love you” where I point to my eyes, make a heart, and point to her. 

Basketball:  Get a little stuffed toy/beanie baby and put it on your head, then she makes a basket ball hoop w/ her arms.  Then you try and bend your head down to make the toy fall into the hoop. 

Hide the Cotton:  Take five cotton balls and have your child hide them on herself.  Then you try and find them while making funny actions in the process.  I love to look in her ears, at her belly button, in her mouth, up her nose… etc. 

Cotton Ball Hockey:  Take a standard sized pillow, and each of you hold one end.  Then you put a cotton ball in the middle and blow it to knock it off.  You do this back and forth to try and score points. 

Push and Pull:  This is where you sit on the floor, knees bent in front, and she holds your hands and pushes you back, while she lands on your shins and you can lift her in the air or just rock forward and put her feet back on the floor.  Another variation could be lifting her on your feet like an “airplane” zooming in the sky. 

Snack Time:  Each therapy session we have a snack.  Favorites are Goldfish, Fruit Loops, and Fruit Gummies.   Mom needs to feed, and then child can feed mom too.  Then we pretend to be an animal or thing.  For Goldfish, you could be a whale, or dolphin… and when you want another bite, you make the sound that animal makes.  For Fruit Loops, you can be any animal, but a bird is fun.  I hold her in my arms and ask if the little birdie wants a snack.  She chirps.  I feed her the various flavors and describe them as fruits.  “Here comes a cherry little birdie”, “Chirp, chirp”  “Here comes a blueberry”, “Chirp, chirp”, “Here comes a lemon, lime, orange grape” etc.   

I also like to pretend I am picking the gummies from a fruit tree and feeding them to my baby.  So I will say, “Oh a patch of strawberries, I bet my baby likes strawberries” she will then cry and shake her head while I feed her.  Repeat for every type of fruit the gummy represents. 

She loves the snack time!  It is a lot of fun for both of us!

Shoe Race:  At the end of therapy, the doctor and I do a sock and shoe race and see who can get the shoe and sock on the fastest. 

I will be adding video of these the first of next week.  I will also add more activities as we discover them in our therapy sessions!  My lovely God-Daughter Maddie will be assisting me in the videos, since sadly I can’t record my girls for the public yet! :(

Creative Parenting/Theraplay

Parenting a hurt child is hard work.  They test you, they hit you, they spit at you, they scream obscenities but at the end of the day it is YOUR hard work that makes them feel safe, loved, and valuable.

My 4 year old and I go to therapy together each week.  We have an amazing therapist that has helped us a lot already.  We are doing attachment/Theraplay therapy.  It is fun, fast paced, and great to do at home too.

I wanted to touch on some of the creative things I do to encourage my girls first, and then go into some of the Theraplay activities.

First, getting out of bed for school can be so much work for a young child.  Heck, most days I just want to stay in bed.  Our 6 year old wakes up ready to rumble, whereas our 4 year old just wants to lie in bed until I get frustrated enough to pick her up and dress her.  Well, NOT ANYMORE!  

Every morning, I get up, shower, wake up my 6 yr old, wake up my 4 year old, and I tell my 4 year old, “It’s time for you to help Mommy blow dry her hair”.  She springs out of bed and heads for the bathroom.  I flip over my head and she blow dries my hair.  When she is finished, she goes into her room while I flat iron my hair.  I say, “Show Mommy how fast you are at getting dressed”, and she announces every piece as she puts it on herself.  “Mommy, I put on my panties”!  It has made my morning much more fun and enjoyable. 

The next thing we do to encourage them is we just let them HELP!  My girls take so much pride in what they do!  Letting them help (although rarely does it meet my “standard”) makes them feel special.  My 4 year old can cook her own corn-dog in the microwave, my 6 year old knows how to make a sandwich, pour drinks, etc. 

They love to mop/sweep my floors, hauling all of the laundry to the basement, filling the dishwasher, filling the dog food bowls.  

We don’t call it a “chore” because chore rhymes with “bore” and I don’t want them to think of it as a boring chore.  I want them to see it as a way to be in, and help their family. 

In an effort to keep this blog a little less cluttered.  I am going to post our Theraplay activities in their own entry. 

Books on Adoption/Foster Care

Yesterday our new Adoption Case Worker came to visit and meet us all for the first time.  She is very sweet, knowledgeable, and the girls loved her.  One thing this visit brought to light, was that my girls didn’t understand what “Adoption” really means.  I know we’ve explained they’re living with us forever, but forever doesn’t probably seem like a long time to a 4 and 6 year old who are presently in their 5^th home. 

So, their worker is sitting aside some books for us to read to the girls, and I went ahead and ordered some myself to keep and then eventually pass along to my other foster friends. 

I have to remind myself that even though this feels natural to me… it feels foreign to my girls.  They’ve not been in a home like ours with constant love, affection, guidance, and permanence.    I need to do a better job at explaining and reassuring them this is FOREVER… well at least until they’re adults!  :)

Here are the books I purchased:

"A Mother for Choco (Paperstar)"
Keiko Kasza; Paperback

"When I Miss You (The Way I Feel Books)"
Cornelia Maude Spelman

"Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story"
Lori Rosove

"Murphy's Three Homes: A Story for Children in Foster Care"
Jan Levinson Gilman

"Kids Need to Be Safe: A Book for Children in Foster Care (Kids Are Important)"
Julie Nelson

"Families Change: A Book for Children Experiencing Termination of Parental Rights (Kids Are Important Series)"
Julie Nelson

"The Way I Feel"
Janan Cain

"I Wished for You: an Adoption Story (Mom's Choice Award Recipient, Book of the Year Award, Creative Child Magazine)"
Marianne R Richmond

Slapped!

This is more of a vent/relief of frustration/update!

Every day the girls come home and my 4 yr old reminds me she had NO FITS at school, and I praise her.  Then my 6 yr old says that she didn't talk at school and I praise her.

Well, today, I picked them up from daycare because their new Adoption worker was coming for her first visit. 

My 6 yr old says she didn't talk, but she got a red-frown face!  So I asked why, and the proceeded to tell me SHE SLAPPED A BOY IN GYM!!!!!   I was fuming... because honestly, I didn't expect that behavior from her.  My 4 yr old, sure, that's her style.  My 6 yr old is a talker though and usually just voices her dismay. 

So... she is grounded, three days.  She wrote an apology letter to him that said she is SO SO SO SO Sorry for hitting him and she still wants to be his "best friend".   My best guess she has a crush because at first she called him Nicolas... then switched to Nick!  :)  Hopefully this is the first, and last time!

As for our new worker... she's just great!  Stayed almost 2 hours.  Asked the girls questions about what they like, don't like, why they like living with us, IF they want to be adopted... etc. 

It went really well, and the girls just kept asking her when they could be adopted. 

When she left my 4 yr old sat in my lap and told me she likes Ms. A better than Ms. J (her old CW).  She then told me, "I get to be your daughter forever".  How sweet!

Sounds like we should be able to finalize next March if we would like.  The girls have to pick there new names by next month so they can get the paper work going.  I believe we will wait to actually finalize once school is out (if possible).   Because I know my 4 yr old wants to change her name, my 6 yr old will probably keep her 1st name the same though. 

Tomorrow I plan to update on other stuff!

Expectations!

Over the last few weeks, I feel like we’ve finally hit a stride!  Both girls are on medication, and we’re already seeing a remarkable difference in our 4 year old.  She seems to be able to “pause” before she falls into a full on tantrum.  She hasn’t had a tantrum since Sunday October 3^rd.   Which I believe is a new record for us. 

I hate to utter those words sometimes, because it seems to spark one, but this time I feel a little more confident. 

Another thing I’ve been working hard on is setting them up to succeed and giving them expectations.   This has worked very well for them.  Sometimes I get worried if I tell them what’s next, it will increase their anxiety, but my new technique appears to be working.

Before we do anything, we go over the steps involved, and the “what’s next” part too.

A good example is, they come home from daycare, immediately, I let them pick a snack.  They sit down at the table, and I join them for a few minutes to hear about their day. 

Then I say, “Ok, so here is the plan for tonight”….

FIRST… we’re going to finish our snack and watch some TV/finish homework while mom makes dinner…OR if you don’t want to watch TV, you can play in the hallway with you ZhuZhu Pets (which are their favorite item this week). 

NEXT… we will take our medicine, AND THEN eat dinner.

That prepares them for a couple of steps.  Then at dinner, as we’re finishing I lay out the next part of the plan.

AFTER dinner… we’re going to get on our PJ’s, THEN we will brush our teeth, and we can hang out on the couch for 30 minutes before bedtime and watch TV OR talk. 

This prepares them for the ultimate goal of going to bed! 

Then as 7:30 approaches, I remind them of our next steps…

I go and get their bottles ready (part of our bonding at night)… then I tell them it is time to lay down for bed.

At bedtime, they get their bottle while I read the story of their choice, and then they get one song, hugs, kisses, and then the night is over and they’re sleeping soundly!

I know all of this will sound so simple to many of you, but remember we went from ZERO kids to TWO kids with a lot of need for attention and love. 

So, I think we’re making progress and I feel much more confident now than I did a few weeks ago. 

Also, I have prepared the girls for their new case worker (adoption worker) coming to visit on Wednesday night.  I told them her name, and I told them that she is the person that will be helping us adopt them.  They jumped for joy! Which made me see they want to be here!

More Appointments!??!

We saw our new PCP today for our 6 year old.  Once again, I ADORE this doctor!  She has put my 6 year old on anti-depressants as well.  Which, I knew she would, because my 6 year old really needs them.  She's terribly depressed, but fights to look "together" all of the time.  I know she has to be exhausted!

In addition to that, we get to see a new Opthamologist, Podiatrist, and we get Occupational and Physical Therapy. 

She has two toes that look a bit "weird" around and on the toenail.  Her eyes, even with the glasses are at 20/40.  No wonder she couldn't read the board in class!  This isn't much of a shock, because her previous Opthamologist seemed to have a hard time getting a good "read" on her eyes.

So... now we wait for the referrals to be made and we will then go get everything checked out!

We are also requesting she have an IEP evaluation or a "Child Study". 

My husband asked me when am I quitting my job!?!?  I told him when he works full-time again.  Right now he's working 40 hours a week, but it's a contract position that might only last through the Spring.  The money is great, but the stability isn't! 

So I will just take full advantage of my FMLA and continue to work.  Thankfully, my job is very easy and relaxed!

Meds and Docs

Well, this week we started with a new PCP.  She is wonderful!  One of those doctors that you just know cares so much about their patients. 

Our 4 yr old went Wednesday, doctor prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.  It's called Mitrazapine.  We did a full pill the first night, went to bed without a fuss and slept all night.  This morning she was a bit of a zombie though, so doctor told us to take her down to 1/2 a pill to see if that changes things. 
She gave us her direct (home) email and asked me to go ahead and email her the details on our 6 year old prior to her visit Friday (tomorrow) morning.  

I did just that, and she wrote me back to let me know that she certainly sounds very depressed and we will talk more Friday. 

It feels so nice to have a doctor you trust!  Plus she is very close with the girl's therapists, so they can all talk and compare notes.

We were a bit late to therapy yesterday morning, so instead of the EMDR, she went ahead and did some attachment therapy.  At first my 4 yr old seems uninterested, but she quickly warmed up.  Our therapist is very chipper and talked in a cute funny voice.  My 4 yr old in her blunt fashion looked at her and said, "Why you talkin' weird for?"  (yes she said it like that). 

We did a few of the things at home last night again and she loved it! 

I hope she feels even better soon with medication and proper therapy in place. 

I will update everyone on how our 6 yr old's visit goes Friday! 

EMDR Therapy...

This is what our therapist is doing with us at next week's session!  That day, we see her in the morning, then our new PCP in the afternoon, so my little one will be home all day with me.

EMDR--Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing--Therapy

By Carol Boulware, Ph.D. at http://www.4therapy.com/

Patients who have suffered for years from anxiety or distressing memories, nightmares, insomnia,

abuse or other traumatic events can now gain relief from a revolutionary new therapy called EMDR

(Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing).Research shows that EMDR is rapid, safe and effective.

EMDR does not involve the use of drugs or hypnosis. It is a simple, non-invasive patient-therapist

collaboration in which healing can happen effectively.

This powerful short-term therapy is highly effective for a wide range of disorders including chronic

pain, phobias, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders and poor self-image, stress, worry, stage

fright, performance anxiety, recovery from sexual abuse and traumatic incidents.

Many patients who have made slow progress in the past, or who have not benefited from more

traditional therapies say that with EMDR they have finally found something that works for them!

WHAT IS EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a powerful new psychotherapy

technique which has been very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic,

disturbing memories, post traumatic stress and many other emotional problems. Until recently, these

conditions were difficult and time-consuming to treat. EMDR is considered a breakthrough therapy

because of its simplicity and the fact that it can bring quick and lasting relief for most types of

emotional distress.

The EMDR technique uses a natural function of the body, rapid eye movement, or REM, as its basis.

The human mind uses REM during sleep time to help it process daily emotional experiences. When

trauma is extreme, this process breaks down and REM sleep doesn't bring the usual relief from

distress. This is where EMDR comes in. EMDR is the next step or, you might say, an advanced stage of

the REM processing.

As troubling images and feelings are processed by the brain via the eye movement patterns of EMDR,

resolution of the issues and a more peaceful state are soon at hand.

WHO DISCOVERED EMDR?

In the late 80's, psychologist Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., observed that particular eye movements

reduced the intensity of disturbing thoughts in some clients. Dr. Shapiro decided to study this effect

scientifically. In 1989, she published an article in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, describing her

success using a method she called EMDR. Since that time, other therapists around the world have

contributed to its development. EMDR has evolved into a highly effective technique that incorporates

elements from other various treatment modalities.

HOW DOES EMDR WORK?

When disturbing experiences happen, they are stored in the brain with all the sights, sounds, thoughts

and feelings that accompany them. When a person is very upset, the brain seems to be unable to

process the experience as it would normally. Therefore, the negative thoughts and feelings of the

traumatic event get "trapped" in the nervous system. Since the brain cannot process these emotions,

the experience and/or their accompanying feelings, are often suppressed from consciousness.

However, the distress lives on in the nervous system where it causes disturbances in the normal

emotional functioning of the person.

The EMDR Technique does two very important things. First, it "unlocks" the negative memories and

emotions stored in the nervous system, and second, it helps the brain successfully process the

experience.

The therapist works gently with the client, guiding him or her to revisit the traumatic incident. As

images and feelings arise, the client's eye movements are "matched" with the remembered events

and then re-directed into particular movements that cause the release of the memories.

When the memory is brought to mind, the feelings are re-experienced in a new way. EMDR makes it

possible to gain the self-knowledge and perspective that will enable the client to choose their actions,

rather than feeling powerless over their re-actions. This process can be a complex if there are many

experiences connected to the negative feelings. The EMDR therapy sessions continue until the

traumatic memories and emotions are relieved.

WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES OF EMDR THERAPY?

Research studies show that EMDR is very effective in helping people process emotionally painful and

traumatic experiences. When used in conjunction with other therapy modalities, EMDR helps move the

client quickly from emotional distress to peaceful resolution of the issues or events involved.

EMDR sessions work amazingly fast. Processing even the most difficult memories can be achieved in a

fraction of the time it previously would have taken with traditional therapy alone. It also enables the

more efficient use of conventional psychotherapies, bringing greater results in much less time. The

positive, long-term results of EMDR therapy affects all levels of the client's well-being -- mental,

emotional and physical, so that their responses return to normalcy and health.

Traditional therapies often focus on memories from the unconscious mind, and then analyzing their

meaning to gain insight into the problem. EMDR clients also acquire valuable insights during therapy,

but EMDR can short-cut the process and go right to the releasing stage.

Studies consistently show that treatments with EMDR result in elimination of the targeted emotion or

memory. The memory remains, but the negative response is neutralized.

WHAT PROBLEMS ARE HELPED BY EMDR?

Studies to date show a high degree of effectiveness with the following

conditions:

* trauma

* fears

* anxiety

* childhood trauma

* phobias

* physical abuse

* sexual abuse

* rape

* victims of violent crimes

* post traumatic stress

* depression

* overwhelming fears

* panic attacks

* low self-esteem

* performance and test anxiety

The EMDR technique is most effective when used in conjunction with other traditional methods of therapy in treating these and many other emotional disorders.

EMDR therapy can help clients replace their anxiety and fear with positive images, emotions and thoughts.

ARE THERE STUDIES THAT SHOW THAT EMDR IS EFFECTIVE?

Fourteen controlled studies of EMDR make it the most thoroughly researched method ever used in the

treatment of trauma! A recent study of individuals who experienced rape, military combat, loss of

loved ones, disasters and serious accidents, found that 84-90% had relief of their emotional distress

after only three EMDR sessions. Another study showed that EMDR was twice as effective in half the

amount of time of standard traditional psychotherapeutic care. Another study of subjects with post

traumatic stress revealed that the significant improvement they gained with the EMDR treatments

were maintained for at least 15 months.

Although some people have dramatic responses in a short period of time, others will progress more

slowly. However, the results will be equally effective and long-lasting.

Since the initial medical study in 1989, world-wide research has helped develop and evolve EMDR. To

date, more than half a million people have benefited from EMDR therapy.

IS EMDR HYPNOSIS?

No. During the EMDR session, the client is awake and alert and in control at all times. The healing that

takes place with EMDR is much faster than with hypnotherapy. Like hypnosis, EMDR seems to work

with the unconscious mind, bringing into consciousness the repressed thoughts and feelings that must

be experienced again in order to release their energetic hold on the person.

WHAT TYPE OF TRAINING DOES A THERAPIST NEED TO USE EMDR?

Only practicing, licensed psychotherapists, psychiatrists, social workers and counselors may receive

EMDR training. These are the only mental health professionals qualified to use EMDR therapy with

clients. A clinical background is necessary for proper application of the EMDR technique. This is a

highly specialized method that requires supervised training for therapeutic effectiveness and client

safety. In the words of the attempts to use EMDR.” It may be wise to request the therapist to provide you with their EMDR certificate of training. 

SOME OBJECTIVES OF EMDR THERAPY:

Thanks to the on-going success of EMDR therapy for hundreds of thousands of people, it is not difficult

to have high expectations for a therapy program that includes the EMDR technique. The short-term

benefits of EMDR is simple and straightforward--the immediate relief of emotional distress and the

elimination of the debilitating effect of unresolved past trauma. Longer-term benefits of EMDR therapy

include the restoration of each client's natural state of emotional functioning. This return to normalcy

brings with it a greater sense of personal power, more rewarding relationships and a more peaceful

life.

PROGRESS!!!

This week was just... wow!  I can't even put it all into words, and in order to protect my baby girl's "story" I won't share all of the details here.  With that said, Wednesday night, my 4 year old opened up to me more than I expected at this stage in our relationship.

My 6 year old had been in a grumpy mood, it was rainy out, and she just had a bad day, which is fine!  So I talked to her about what makes her feel "scared" and she continued to provide a bogus answer about kids on the playground playing the "red lava" game.  So I took this same opportunity to ask my 4 year old what makes her scared.  The answer was astonishing... to this day, I still can't believe the full answer.

The simple answer was the woods.  The woods scare my baby girl.  One might wonder why the woods?!?  Well, my poor baby girl was wrapped in a blanket and left in the woods when she was two.  By a man who said some very hurtful, mean, awful things to her.  By a man that threatened to slash her neck with a knife while he choked her.  

The things she says during her tantrums, the rage, the violent thoughts, yea, this man put all of that fear into her!  He, traumatized my little girl. 

This isn't something she made up, she doesn't understand making up things like this. 

I truly think, she is ready to move past this.  We're talking in therapy about it next week.  Her therapist wants to try and trigger some things in her to help her process and heal. 

It makes me angry, I mean to my core.  I can't believe for one second I thought I couldn't do this.  Because the truth is I AM THE ONLY ONE who has ever even tried.  Everyone else gave up on my baby!  All for something that plays back in her mind every time she feels scared, angry, or afraid.

So, we will move on from this, and I know she can heal. 

Thanks to everyone that has uplifted us in the last few weeks.  We're getting there!