Tonight my 4 year old asked me if I feel safe. I said, "I sure do, do you feel safe?" She just smiled and said, "I always feel safe with you mommy".
If that's not love, I don't know what is!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Unexpected Meeting...
**Sorry again forum friends, copy+paste is just easier!**
Our girls are from a family of 5 kids. They are 6 and 4, they have 3 year old brothers that are twins, and a 1 year old baby brother.
In their first foster home, they were with their twin brothers. Due to the tantrums and magnitude of four children, the girls were moved to a new foster home and their brothers stayed with the original foster family.
Tonight we had an unintended bump in to their original foster mom. She is a very nice lady, we will call her "Sandy" and I do not for one second fault her for her choice to have the girls moved. I COMPLETELY understand the difficulty of parenting just my four year old with her tantrums.
Well, this meeting brought out a lot of negative emotions in my four year old. She came very, very, close to a full blown tantrum. She hasn't had one since last Friday... a whole week ago!
After she cooled down, and successfully avoided the tantrum we had a long talk at bed time.
She said seeing "Sandy" made her mad and angry. Then she said she misses her brothers. She also said she got mad at herself because she felt like she was about to have a tantrum and she couldn't stop it.
It breaks my heart. I know she feels like "Sandy" gave up on her and she feels abandonment over that situation.
After tonight, I have decided she is just not ready to see them yet. She needs time to process the emotions she feels before they get thrown in her face once again.
When she feels insecure she will suck her thumb. I asked her if she felt like she wasn't "safe"? She said she didn't feel safe. I picked her up and held her and told her she is always safe with mommy and daddy. I smiled at her and said "Who's your mommy?" She said, "You're my mommy and I love you." I held her for a few more minutes and once she stopped sucking her thumb I laid her down in bed and kissed her goodnight.
She breaks my heart into pieces! I am SO proud of her though. She talked, avoided a tantrum, and she is 100% proud of her success this week! Plus she started daycare this week, a HUGE change, and we STILL didn't have any fits or tantrums! I am amazed!
Lots of stickers and tons of praise goes way further than I ever expected it to!
Our girls are from a family of 5 kids. They are 6 and 4, they have 3 year old brothers that are twins, and a 1 year old baby brother.
In their first foster home, they were with their twin brothers. Due to the tantrums and magnitude of four children, the girls were moved to a new foster home and their brothers stayed with the original foster family.
Tonight we had an unintended bump in to their original foster mom. She is a very nice lady, we will call her "Sandy" and I do not for one second fault her for her choice to have the girls moved. I COMPLETELY understand the difficulty of parenting just my four year old with her tantrums.
Well, this meeting brought out a lot of negative emotions in my four year old. She came very, very, close to a full blown tantrum. She hasn't had one since last Friday... a whole week ago!
After she cooled down, and successfully avoided the tantrum we had a long talk at bed time.
She said seeing "Sandy" made her mad and angry. Then she said she misses her brothers. She also said she got mad at herself because she felt like she was about to have a tantrum and she couldn't stop it.
It breaks my heart. I know she feels like "Sandy" gave up on her and she feels abandonment over that situation.
After tonight, I have decided she is just not ready to see them yet. She needs time to process the emotions she feels before they get thrown in her face once again.
When she feels insecure she will suck her thumb. I asked her if she felt like she wasn't "safe"? She said she didn't feel safe. I picked her up and held her and told her she is always safe with mommy and daddy. I smiled at her and said "Who's your mommy?" She said, "You're my mommy and I love you." I held her for a few more minutes and once she stopped sucking her thumb I laid her down in bed and kissed her goodnight.
She breaks my heart into pieces! I am SO proud of her though. She talked, avoided a tantrum, and she is 100% proud of her success this week! Plus she started daycare this week, a HUGE change, and we STILL didn't have any fits or tantrums! I am amazed!
Lots of stickers and tons of praise goes way further than I ever expected it to!
Long Time No Blog!
Wow! I am totally slacking. This week I came back to work and the girls started at their new daycare. They're doing great! They love new friends, new teachers, and new stuff to keep them busy. They will start actual school the day after Labor Day. I hope that they continue to do so well.
Our 4 yr old had a pretty massive tantrum last Friday night. She hasn't had another since though. I am so proud of her! Either way, we are going to do some therapy in September to get to the bottom of things.
Our 6 yr old is about to make me go bazerk! She is a very good girl, but the lying to stay out of trouble is getting on my last nerve, as is the making up that she has whatever ailment her sister is complaining of. It's like she has middle-child syndrome, yet she is the oldest! I think we may also do some therapy. I think she is really covering up a lot of her emotions with random verbal rants. She just talks 100% of the time. She doesn't listen or focus well on what you're saying. She has some vision issues that may be contributing to her over all lack of regard to things, so her new glasses will be in next week, and hopefully they will resolve some of these issues.
Over all though, we're doing just fine. Busy all of the time, but loving having the girls in our lives. I pick at the little personality things because I want them to be happy, and these behaviors will eventually prevent that from happening if we don't get a good control over them now.
I will try to update more!
Our 4 yr old had a pretty massive tantrum last Friday night. She hasn't had another since though. I am so proud of her! Either way, we are going to do some therapy in September to get to the bottom of things.
Our 6 yr old is about to make me go bazerk! She is a very good girl, but the lying to stay out of trouble is getting on my last nerve, as is the making up that she has whatever ailment her sister is complaining of. It's like she has middle-child syndrome, yet she is the oldest! I think we may also do some therapy. I think she is really covering up a lot of her emotions with random verbal rants. She just talks 100% of the time. She doesn't listen or focus well on what you're saying. She has some vision issues that may be contributing to her over all lack of regard to things, so her new glasses will be in next week, and hopefully they will resolve some of these issues.
Over all though, we're doing just fine. Busy all of the time, but loving having the girls in our lives. I pick at the little personality things because I want them to be happy, and these behaviors will eventually prevent that from happening if we don't get a good control over them now.
I will try to update more!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Music and Lies
***Sorry Forum friends for the cross post... it was easier than re-typing***
Right now we're dealing with the girls co-dependancy on one another. Our oldest tries to talk and explain for our four year old... which is her way of trying to keep one or the other out of trouble.
The other thing our oldest does in her pleasing passive aggressive manner, is she tries to have the four year old ask us for things that she, the 6 yr old, wants. This is her way of always avoiding getting in trouble!
Today in the car, our 6 yr old asked our 4 yr old to see if I would put the radio on the "pop" station. I sort of heard her ask, so I reacted by asking if SHE wants it or did her sister ask her to ask me. Then the 6 yr old denied it... which I knew she was lying.
So my punishment for our 6 yr old for the lie was that she can't listen to that type of music for a week. So we listened to country and my favorite... Dave Matthews Band.
Then she cries, and says "Mommy, this just isn't fair, now I have no music with rythm to dance to".
I literally busted out laughing, which only made her more upset. IT was funny though!
I then told her she was right, I was an awful mom to make her broaden her horizons. Then she snapped out of her pity party!
So... any other strategies to deal with their co-dependance? I think I'm doing fairly well, but I am always open to suggestions!
Right now we're dealing with the girls co-dependancy on one another. Our oldest tries to talk and explain for our four year old... which is her way of trying to keep one or the other out of trouble.
The other thing our oldest does in her pleasing passive aggressive manner, is she tries to have the four year old ask us for things that she, the 6 yr old, wants. This is her way of always avoiding getting in trouble!
Today in the car, our 6 yr old asked our 4 yr old to see if I would put the radio on the "pop" station. I sort of heard her ask, so I reacted by asking if SHE wants it or did her sister ask her to ask me. Then the 6 yr old denied it... which I knew she was lying.
So my punishment for our 6 yr old for the lie was that she can't listen to that type of music for a week. So we listened to country and my favorite... Dave Matthews Band.
Then she cries, and says "Mommy, this just isn't fair, now I have no music with rythm to dance to".
I literally busted out laughing, which only made her more upset. IT was funny though!
I then told her she was right, I was an awful mom to make her broaden her horizons. Then she snapped out of her pity party!
So... any other strategies to deal with their co-dependance? I think I'm doing fairly well, but I am always open to suggestions!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Move In Day!
Well, I am a day late posting this... but hey! I'm a mom now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The girls appeal must be filed by September 3rd. If it isn't, then we have 6 months until we finalize their adoption! If it is, we still have six months, but we may have appeals court in the midst of our wait. So my fingers are crossed that grandma doesn't make this third appeal! Mostly, so that my girls can finally have the permanency they so dearly deserve!
Monday, August 16, 2010
A week in review!
Well, I just heard from the girl’s social worker and she will be meeting the girl’s current foster mom at our house tomorrow to transition the girls into our home full time.
Now for some updates, since I haven’t been updating as often…
The full week of respite went really well. Just as we got into the groove, they went back “home” for a couple of days. During the mix I had my wisdom tooth extracted which wiped me completely out! My husband did a great job entertaining the girls. They went to the park, the local Science Museum, and visited with my in-laws who were down from New York.
The week of respite brought a few “issues” to light for us. One of the big issues we have to contend with is our 4 year olds emotional outbursts/tantrums. I am typically able to talk it out, but sometimes she just looses it. It isn’t as bad as other children’s tantrums that I’ve seen. I am hoping the frequency will die down once she sees that she is living with us.
In hind-sight the tantrums are a bit funny. As you can imagine, a four year olds comebacks can only be funny! A few of my favorites are:
“I hate you, and you can’t be my mommy now”—“I don’t care about having fun as a family, you only like having fun”—“Mommy, I am going to kill you… and then if you call the police, you better tell them I will kill them too…”
For the record, she doesn’t have violent tendencies. She tries to hurt you with her words. Honestly, on some other moms, it might actually work. I know that she is speaking from a very insecure place though, and during the tantrums, I just remind her that I love her, I won’t tolerate these behaviors, and once she calms down we can talk.
It amazes my husband and me both though how she goes from full on bull in a China shop, to happy smiling and loving.
Our 6 year old has her “issues” too. She has spent a great majority of her life taking up for her sister and speaking up for her too. This past week we really had to make it clear that our 4 year old is her own person, she has her own feelings, and her own opinions. She is allowed to vocalize things to us, and we don’t need our 6 year olds help when we’re disciplining.
When the door shuts for our “tantrum time” our 6 year old always comes busting through with some problem… I know it’s just to be nosey, but we had to put our foot down.
The easiest explanation for us is that school starts soon, and she will no be there to take up for or keep her sister out of trouble. Each of them will have to be responsible for their own actions.
I also reassured both of them that we’re not backing out on them. They’re going to be part of our family. We will work through any problems and be smarter and better prepared in the end.
All of this is so much easier said than done. I swear, I don’t like to hear myself talk. However, I did find myself arguing with a 4 year old. Thankfully, I recognized and stopped before it got heated! :)
So, those are our updates for the moment. This week is busy with registering for daycare, school, and all of those good things. I will try to update along the way.
Now for some updates, since I haven’t been updating as often…
The full week of respite went really well. Just as we got into the groove, they went back “home” for a couple of days. During the mix I had my wisdom tooth extracted which wiped me completely out! My husband did a great job entertaining the girls. They went to the park, the local Science Museum, and visited with my in-laws who were down from New York.
The week of respite brought a few “issues” to light for us. One of the big issues we have to contend with is our 4 year olds emotional outbursts/tantrums. I am typically able to talk it out, but sometimes she just looses it. It isn’t as bad as other children’s tantrums that I’ve seen. I am hoping the frequency will die down once she sees that she is living with us.
In hind-sight the tantrums are a bit funny. As you can imagine, a four year olds comebacks can only be funny! A few of my favorites are:
“I hate you, and you can’t be my mommy now”—“I don’t care about having fun as a family, you only like having fun”—“Mommy, I am going to kill you… and then if you call the police, you better tell them I will kill them too…”
For the record, she doesn’t have violent tendencies. She tries to hurt you with her words. Honestly, on some other moms, it might actually work. I know that she is speaking from a very insecure place though, and during the tantrums, I just remind her that I love her, I won’t tolerate these behaviors, and once she calms down we can talk.
It amazes my husband and me both though how she goes from full on bull in a China shop, to happy smiling and loving.
Our 6 year old has her “issues” too. She has spent a great majority of her life taking up for her sister and speaking up for her too. This past week we really had to make it clear that our 4 year old is her own person, she has her own feelings, and her own opinions. She is allowed to vocalize things to us, and we don’t need our 6 year olds help when we’re disciplining.
When the door shuts for our “tantrum time” our 6 year old always comes busting through with some problem… I know it’s just to be nosey, but we had to put our foot down.
The easiest explanation for us is that school starts soon, and she will no be there to take up for or keep her sister out of trouble. Each of them will have to be responsible for their own actions.
I also reassured both of them that we’re not backing out on them. They’re going to be part of our family. We will work through any problems and be smarter and better prepared in the end.
All of this is so much easier said than done. I swear, I don’t like to hear myself talk. However, I did find myself arguing with a 4 year old. Thankfully, I recognized and stopped before it got heated! :)
So, those are our updates for the moment. This week is busy with registering for daycare, school, and all of those good things. I will try to update along the way.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Time for Pics!
Daddy helps take out beads so that we can un-do the braids.
I love this little dress on her!
A future DJ?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Holding Back Tears
Yesterday, my 6 year old learned a lesson and opened up. She told my 4 yr old she "hated" her, which my 4 year old became upset over. Then my 6 yr old lied about saying it. I explained in a very calm and collected manner that lying is not accepted. Lies will only get you in more trouble, and for each lie you tell, you have to tell another lie to cover it up. Then my 6 year old cried. I explained to her she wasn't in trouble this time, but we needed to be honest in the future, or she would have a concequence for lying. Our 6 year old is tender hearted, very kind and loving, but despite her maturity, I have to often remind myself, she is 6 and didn't have the best guidance as a very young child.
As she cried we talked about how she's feeling. She said she misses her birth mommy sometimes and it makes her sad that she can't see her. She said her mommy wasn't mean to her, but was to everyone else. She said that she just didn't know how to take care of the kids.
Then, she said to me, "The last time I saw my birth dad (who isn't actually her birth father at all) he told me he would buy me a Nintendo DS and a guitar. I know he's probably working really hard right now to get that for me."
She isn't a manipulative child, I know what she said is what she felt. She wasn't trying to get me to buy her those things, in her mind, she is truly convinced, he will be buying those things for her.
I fought back tears. I mean with everything in me, I fought them back. The thought that this sweet amazing little girl has this glimmer of hope that he is going to get her those things. It makes me so sad and it crushes my heart because I know we can't and won't be able to have any relationship with her birth family. It's not healthy for the girls.
Times like these make me see that we are meant to be the parents these girls deserve.
As she cried we talked about how she's feeling. She said she misses her birth mommy sometimes and it makes her sad that she can't see her. She said her mommy wasn't mean to her, but was to everyone else. She said that she just didn't know how to take care of the kids.
Then, she said to me, "The last time I saw my birth dad (who isn't actually her birth father at all) he told me he would buy me a Nintendo DS and a guitar. I know he's probably working really hard right now to get that for me."
She isn't a manipulative child, I know what she said is what she felt. She wasn't trying to get me to buy her those things, in her mind, she is truly convinced, he will be buying those things for her.
I fought back tears. I mean with everything in me, I fought them back. The thought that this sweet amazing little girl has this glimmer of hope that he is going to get her those things. It makes me so sad and it crushes my heart because I know we can't and won't be able to have any relationship with her birth family. It's not healthy for the girls.
Times like these make me see that we are meant to be the parents these girls deserve.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Less Wise and Blogging!
This morning we were all four up bright an early to take me (mommy) to get the upper right wisdom tooth removed (extracted). Last summer while on fertility treatments, my tooth poked through the gum in two places that made me teethe like a toddler for a week! It barely cut the gum, but it was enough to cause future cavities if left in place. The tooth's arrival shocked me because for years my dentists told me I have no bottom wisdom teeth, and he was 99% sure my top teeth wouldn't come through because of their size and angle. Well he was WRONG! It was supposed to come out in February, but due to a snow storm had to be rescheduled.
So mommy got to sleep w/ a Valium... then took another this morning... then gas... then IV to put me to sleep! :) Next thing I knew I woke up to my loving husband and two little girls worried to death about their mommy. It was a nice feeling.
Sorry for my lack of blogging! I have a lot of really good things to tell, but being a mom fulltime this week hasn't allowed for much blogging time. I usually blog during my breaks at work.
I love my girls, but I am looking forward to my return to the office. I couldn't stay home full time. Both the girls and I would go insane.
The number one thing we must always have in this house is our sleep. They need a full 9-10 hours a night to function, and I need them to have their 1-2 hour naps during the day to help them and me function.
So sorry if this is a bit incoherent. I am a bit "high" on pain meds right now. I think my husband likes this laid back version of me! :)
More to come soon!
So mommy got to sleep w/ a Valium... then took another this morning... then gas... then IV to put me to sleep! :) Next thing I knew I woke up to my loving husband and two little girls worried to death about their mommy. It was a nice feeling.
Sorry for my lack of blogging! I have a lot of really good things to tell, but being a mom fulltime this week hasn't allowed for much blogging time. I usually blog during my breaks at work.
I love my girls, but I am looking forward to my return to the office. I couldn't stay home full time. Both the girls and I would go insane.
The number one thing we must always have in this house is our sleep. They need a full 9-10 hours a night to function, and I need them to have their 1-2 hour naps during the day to help them and me function.
So sorry if this is a bit incoherent. I am a bit "high" on pain meds right now. I think my husband likes this laid back version of me! :)
More to come soon!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thou Shalt Nap!
Well, we found out the hard way that both girls require naps. I'm talking good naps too!
So far we have successfully avoided four tantrums with our littlest one. The first was at the DMV. When I got to the window, I told the lady she was very lucky because she was about to get to see a good tantrum. Sunshine got mad because I made her sit in her own chair after she wouldn't listen when I told her to stop thrashing around on my lap. Then she sat in the chair and made a fool of herself. Finally, I told her if she kept it up the security guard would say something to her. Which, I could tell he wasn't far from it because she was going to break the chair. So she stood up, I could see her looking for her out. She was about to run when I scooped her up and sat her in my lap. She started the whole, "don't touch me, leave me alone, put me down" bit. Then I said, "Let me tell you a funny story about daddy" instantly she snapped out of it. I continued to tell her how he screams like a little girl when he sees a spider. She laughed, and my number was called!
As for the other three tantrums, well I used similar techniques. We talked! It works for her. I can see that she just never gets listened to. There are too many other children to compete for attention with at her current foster home, so our willingness to listen and talk is making the difference for her.
We had a mid-day two hour nap, and that made a big difference in her mood.
As for our six year old, well she needs naps too! She gets very whiney and cries over stupid things when she's tired. She actually napped in the van for an hour yesterday while we went grocery shopping (husband was in the van w/ her). Then we came home and she slept for two more hours. She was obviously overly tired.
Speaking of the van... read my next post!
That is all for this morning! I'm going to make breakfast.
So far we have successfully avoided four tantrums with our littlest one. The first was at the DMV. When I got to the window, I told the lady she was very lucky because she was about to get to see a good tantrum. Sunshine got mad because I made her sit in her own chair after she wouldn't listen when I told her to stop thrashing around on my lap. Then she sat in the chair and made a fool of herself. Finally, I told her if she kept it up the security guard would say something to her. Which, I could tell he wasn't far from it because she was going to break the chair. So she stood up, I could see her looking for her out. She was about to run when I scooped her up and sat her in my lap. She started the whole, "don't touch me, leave me alone, put me down" bit. Then I said, "Let me tell you a funny story about daddy" instantly she snapped out of it. I continued to tell her how he screams like a little girl when he sees a spider. She laughed, and my number was called!
As for the other three tantrums, well I used similar techniques. We talked! It works for her. I can see that she just never gets listened to. There are too many other children to compete for attention with at her current foster home, so our willingness to listen and talk is making the difference for her.
We had a mid-day two hour nap, and that made a big difference in her mood.
As for our six year old, well she needs naps too! She gets very whiney and cries over stupid things when she's tired. She actually napped in the van for an hour yesterday while we went grocery shopping (husband was in the van w/ her). Then we came home and she slept for two more hours. She was obviously overly tired.
Speaking of the van... read my next post!
That is all for this morning! I'm going to make breakfast.
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