Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Difficult Voice

Tonight I was cuddling my MK at bedtime.  She goes, "Mommy, I need to whisper something to you in your ear".  So I told her go head.  What she said made me SO sad for her, but SO happy she "gets" it. 

"Mommy I have this difficult voice inside of me.  The voice says, MK you're a bad kid.  You don't deserve to be loved by anyone.  You are just a big joke.  But I am telling that voice with my brain, that it is wrong and I am stronger than it so I am just going to push that voice out of my body because it doesn't make me happy".

I am hopeful that she will eventually push that voice out of her.  I explained to her for the first time tonight that she isn't the only kid that feels that way and has that voice.  That I know she is strong enough to stand up for herself.

I love those little moments where she "lets me in" to her mind. 

5 Good Things!

As a followup to my previous post:

In therapy this week MK, my 6 year old, was tasked with telling me the good things that happened as I fed her a cookie for giving me eye contact. 

So here were the good things.  I was very shocked she came up with this many:

1)  I got all green faces at school.

A green face means she followed the rules, did her work, and was a model student.

2)  I presented my project and my friend gave me two thumbs up!

The project wasn't due until the 28th, but I don't want her to learn the art of procrastination, so we collected some paint swatches from Wal-mart, a backer board, and some stickers. Impressed by the early arrival of her project, the teacher allowed her to present it early as well.

3)  I got to do my map of my room project with my mom and we did team work and it was fun.  I was happy she stayed home instead of going on date day with daddy.

 Normally we use Sunday as "date day" where my husband and I go out, have lunch,  run errands, and strategize on how we want to parent the kids etc.  This past Sunday our sitter wasn't feeling well, so we stayed home and hung out with the girls.   MK and I worked on her project.  It was a map with a legend, of her bedroom.  
Here is a picture of the final product. 
(I erased her full name and address from it)


4)  My mommy took me to the grocery store and I didn't even touch anything because she let me get my own cart.  But mommy told me if I run in to her with it she was taking it away.  But I didn't run into her, and I got to put things in my little cart that were for our snack drawer.  

At our local Kroger store.  They have child sized carts. 

It made our visit enjoyable.  It gave me the chance to lead her through the store.  She stayed right with me.  Her hands didn't go into sensory overload and touch everything.   As we were checking out, the cashier said, "Man, your mom is really lucky to have such a great helper."   Her face lit up like a Christmas Tree, and I said, "I couldn't agree more!"


                
5)  My mom cuddled with me and it helped make my heart heal.

I wish every day that her heart was healed fully and couldn't ever be broken again.  It made me feel good to hear this from her, because it means she really does see that I am trying to help her. 

Delayed Consequences

Delaying the consequence is SO hard for me!  I mean so incredibily hard I just want to kick something!

So yesterday I picked up MK from school for therapy.  We get to the office.  I say, "We had a pretty good week, she got green faces at school, no huge blow ups over the weekend".  It's amazing how quickly my tolerance level for "great week" has changed.   Great week used to mean something totally different.  Now it means, "She didn't physically kick, hit, punch, or bite me this week.  At this moment I don't have any bruises or busted veins due to her getting physical".    So yea, it was a great week last week, and this week is shaping up to be just as good. 

While in therapy though we did some attachment stuff.  She talked about what she did good over the last week (not her favorite topic mind you) and when she gave eye contact and said it to me, I fed her a bite of cookie that her therapist had baked. 

So here were the good things.  I was very shocked she came up with this many:

1)  I got all green faces at school.
2)  I presented my project and my friend gave me two thumbs up!
3)  I got to do my map of my room project with my mom and we did team work and it was fun.  I was happy she stayed home instead of going on date day with daddy.
4)  My mommy took me to the grocery store and I didn't even touch anything because she let me get my own cart.  But mommy told me if I run in to her with it she was taking it away.  But I didn't run into her, and I got to put things in my little cart that were for our snack drawer.  
5)  My mom cuddled with me and it helped make my heart heal. (AWWW!)

Ok... 5 things for MK is pretty damn good! 

So after listing those things, we talked about how when her heart feels like its healing it is easier for her to talk about those happy things.  I then told her maybe we could bake some cookies at home.

This comes back to my delayed consequence.  We arrived home at 3:30, she went to her room for homework time.  At 5:30, my husband arrived home.  Her homework still was not finished.  By 6:30 she had finished it.   I did my very best not to get upset and frustrated.  I had a few moments of clenched teeth as I explained to her how to count backwards... but all together it was pretty good.   They go to bed at 7:00 and she hadn't had dinner yet.   So she had 30 minutes for dinner and PJs.  

There I sit, stood, paced, waiting for her to say, "But mommy you said we could bake cookies".  To which I had prepared my reply, "Sweetheart we don't have time for cookies because you choose to do your homework for three hours".  

BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY IT!   I am holding on to this one though... because sooner or later it will come up.

I am going to post another little blog about the 5 things she did well this week. 


 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Time For Action!

Let’s be honest… when becoming a parent, few things fall into place and happen the way you had expected them to.   Add in a little trauma, a drill sergeant mama, and a little stress from everyone and you have a recipe for disaster. 

Only two of those things do I have personal control over.  MY stress, and MY parenting style.  Let me tell ya, it’s a WHOLE LOT easier said that done to “change” what is so engrained into the core of my whole self. 

I’m blunt, sarcastic, reactive, LOUD, I enjoy a good argument, I know what I want, and up until now, I knew how to get it. 

BUT…with hands flying up into the air…I surrender!

THIS ME DOESN’T WORK FOR MY KIDS or my AMAZING husband!!!  

Over the last week I have been reading “Parenting with Love and Logic” (L&L).  It is a really great read, especially for us “Drill Sergeant” parents. 

I am trying very hard to put more emphasis and responsibility on what my girls choose to do.   My 4 (close to 5) year old Layla is actually fairly responsive to what she wants and course corrects when she makes a mistake.   My sweet little MK has zero concept of this right now. 

In L&L though, there is a chapter that starts with a precise description of my two girls.  Layla, has an impeccable level of self-esteem, despite all of the “stomping” she had on her self-image all of these years.   Since her self-esteem is so secure, she takes responsibility for herself, her actions, her feelings, thoughts, and it’s impressive.

MK, well, she has little to no self-esteem.  It is like pulling teeth to get her to tell you something positive she did for the day.  When it happens though, it is magical.  That glimmer of hope in her eye that she doesn’t have to be a "bad" person just because her birth parents were.  She gets stuck on the idea that in order to keep a connection to her roots, she has to BE BAD.  That mean word, slap, kick, is her way of maintaining a connection to the people that DID those things TO her.  It’s not about me, at all, and I know that, but she doesn’t.  I make a great target for her disappointment with herself.  It is easier to blame me for her wrong doings than it is to take responsibility.  

In addition to taking it out on me, her birth family’s misdoing has become her scapegoat!  Her bad behavior is a direct link to them, therefore THEY caused it.  She hasn’t gotten to the point yet that she can say, “I am a good kid, I am a good person, I can choose right, I do have control and I can use it to help others and help myself”.   

I want my kids to feel like I didn’t DO anything TO them, but I did everything FOR them.  I don’t mean literally doing everything for them like, feeding them, putting their clothes on them etc.  I mean I want them to feel like the decisions I made and the guidance I gave was FOR them.

So as usual, I ended up talking about my kids instead of creating my action plan.  So here is my plan.

More choices, more talking (not yelling) about how WE create the world around us and choose our actions, and just as importantly our reactions.   I will continue to remind them that tomorrow is a new day and they can try it all over.  I will repeat as many times as I need to that I AM HERE TO HELP THEM, and THEY have choices that lead up to consequences and those choices (right or wrong) are NOT my fault!  

My husband and I will both keep explaining the difference between FACTS, OPINIONS, and FEELINGS.

I will do my best to breathe and cuddle daily and I will try and remember that SO many other moms have it worse than I do.  That even on my darkest day and saddest moment, there is a child in this world with no one to advocate for their rights. 

We will all make it through this and in the end I think I will have kids that take responsibility for themselves.  I do not want RAD to define my daughter's life. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

R-A-D...

Well, over the last 5 months, we've really watched our girls change and grow.  Our four year old is doing fairly well with PROgressing.  The tantruming has mostly stopped.  She is very attached to us in a healthy way.  She does great in school.  We're feeling pretty good about her emotional age catching up to her chronological age and I think she's healing at record speed comparatively.


The past two months have been really tough for my six year old.  The therapist has officially given me a RAD
(Reactive Attachment Disorder) diagnosis now.  We thought, in the beginning, that we might be lucky and not have to deal with the horrible symptoms RAD carries, but so sadly for my sweet MK, she exhibits all but a few symptoms.   We are fortunate that she doesn't have RAD to the extent some children (and adults) do, she is willing to attach to us, she doesn't really walk up to strangers and try to interact, and ultimately, she wants to live with and be our daughter.  I really do feel that from her.


With all of that said these are some of the symptoms she does exhibit:


Depression
Difficulty Sleeping (night terrors, wets bed)
Lack of Eye Contact (except when lying)
Lack of Conscience (until well after the event and she realizes she never really had control)
Resists Affection (unless it's on her terms mostly, but it is getting better)
Feelings of Entitlement or Arrogance (YERP!)
CRAZY Lying (Like, about things that are easily found to be lies, yet she seems surprised we're smart enough to know they are lies)
Risk Taking  (under better control w/ ADHD Medication)
Hyper Active/Vigilant (even with medication has outbursts)
Learning Difficulties (mostly due to the ADHD like symptoms)
Non-sense Chatter/Inability to stop
Rage/Hurtful actions toward parents (I have a busted vein in my wrist right now because of it)


There are a few others, but THIS is the BIG ONE:  


Intense Control Battles  (Child is often defiant, angry, and argumentative for the parent but outsiders may not ever observe this type of behavior.  Many times, an outsider might even think that the parent is exaggerating, or maybe even causing the child’s behavioral problems due to being over-controlling or from poor parenting.  Often the child will SNEAK THINGS in the home, even if the parent would generally say yes if the child were to ask for these things.  At times, the child will chatter non-stop, ask repeated questions about things that make absolutely no sense, mutter under their breath, or mumble words in an attempt to keep control of a situation.)


It makes me so sad for her.  It makes me worried for myself!  Will I be able to help her attach and feel safe?  Will I be able to help her grow into an amazing teen and eventually adult that takes responsibility for her actions?  It's hard...  she pushes so hard sometimes that you can't stand to be in the same room, as bad as you feel, and as hurt as she is, and as much as you know it's NOT her FAULT... you just want to walk the other direction. 


I've read the books, I've done the research, but I really HAVE to do better at putting it into action.  


So I am trying.  We have a lot of change coming soon, and I hope that it will make it easier for all of us! 

Monday, January 17, 2011

1/19 is Almost Here!

I can't even believe that in just a couple of days, we will be at our one year anniversary of our foster parent orientation! 

One year!  Just one!  My life has changed dramatically, yet at the same time, it doesn't feel as different as I had expected it to. 

My girls are growing so quickly.  Watching and helping them heal, while keeping my sanity is difficult at times.  At the end of the day though, I am pleased with how things are shaping up for our family. 

Excited to see what the next year brings in our journey!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Just Walk A Day In My Flip Flops

Just Walk A Day In My Flip Flops

This is the best gift I think I’ve ever been given.   I mean my husband has gotten me things like houses, cars, and jewelry… but my little sister Amber got me this sign for Christmas, and it totally fits me! 

I live in flip flops and I wish a few people could walk a day in them!  :)


MK's 21 Questions About Mom

Well, that settles it!  My main contribution to my kids is my ability to CLEAN!?!?!  Nice!

1.  What is something mom always says to you?   I love you
2. What makes mom happy?  Um hugs and kisses
3. What makes mom sad?   Lyings
4. How does your mom make you laugh?    Um tickles
5. What did your mom like to do as a child?   Um, I don’t know
6. How old is your mom?  Um...........23?   [I’m 26]
7. How tall is your mom? Ahhh.. I’m not sure
8. What is her favorite thing to do?  Shop
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  Clean
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?   Singing
11. What is your mom really good at?  You’re really good at cleaning
12. What is your mom not very good at?   Uhhh....my room, you don’t really help with my bed
13. What does your mom do for her job?  Help
14. What is your mom's favorite food?    Pot roast
15. What makes you proud of your mom?  Fixing my food
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?   I would say Minnie Mouse
17. What do you and your mom do together?    We do the laundry together, and we play together that’s all
18. How are you and your mom the same?    We like the same foods, we like the same kind of pot roast.
19. How are you and your mom different?  We don’t really have that much of the same stuff like toys.
20. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Ummmmm, I don’t know is it the grocery store?
21.How do you know your mom loves you?  Hugs and kisses and she tells me that she loves me!


Added by MK:

How does your mom care about you?   Giving me hugs and kisses.  
How does your family love you?  They love you by saying “Bye I love you see you tomorrow”.

THAT’S ALL!

Layla's 21 Mom Questions

1.  What is something mom always says to you?   You always come back.
2. What makes mom happy?  If you’re not sad
3. What makes mom sad?  Um saying bad words
4. How does your mom make you laugh?    If you say funny words
5. What did your mom like to do as a child?   Play
6. How old is your mom?  I don’t know
7. How tall is your mom?  Really tall  [I am 5'11]
8. What is her favorite thing to do?  To make her bed  [Only if I just got finished sleeping in it! :) ]
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?  Um...you don’t get in trouble
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  Be for for comence (I think she meant comments) that you text computers.  [Ok, maybe she has more faith in me than I have in myself.]
11. What is your mom really good at?  Cleaning stuff up
12. What is your mom not very good at?  Not cleaning stuff up
13. What does your mom do for her job? You go at work and pay them money [I do payroll at work]
14. What is your mom's favorite food?   Bacon and Eggs (that’s what she had for breakfast)
15. What makes you proud of your mom?  Cleaning up
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?   Mrs. Incredible  [how sweet!?!]
17. What do you and your mom do together?  Um... not ride a horse, see Santa, that’s all  [lol... I guess I should have let her ride the stupid hobby horse!]
18. How are you and your mom the same?   Um white and brown (she held out her palm to show me it looks white)
19. How are you and your mom different? We are different, you white and I’m brown that is different right mama?
20. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? To the store
21.How do you know your mom loves you?  She gets us safe.  

I said... “That’s all!”  and she said...”WOOHOO!”

Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's The Time...

of the season for LOVING!!! 

Overall, this was a great week of LOVE here at our house.  The girls did well in school and at home. 

Layla has started her play therapy sessions, and it was pretty obvious that after therapy on Thursday, she was processing... BIG TIME!  She had a major melt-down right after and was just "off" the rest of the day.   This was probably one of the bigger melt-downs she's had in awhile, which says to me she really had some big feelings about what therapy brought up.   She was back to normal the next day, but I know it caught both she and I off guard. 

As for our older little one... she started Zoloft instead of Prozac about a week ago.  She's had some rage episodes plus general combative and irrational behaviors, and we think that the Prozac might not have been agreeing with her.  So far this week, she has been a little better.   We still have a long road ahead of us in her healing, but I am very pleased with the progress she is making. 

Layla's healing really started day one with us.  MK's healing has begun more over the last two months. 

MK doesn't like to be wrong.  In fact, the essence of her being is that she CAN NOT EVER BE WRONG!!!   Which just doesn't settle well with us adults that truly do know more than she does.   If you tell her no, or stop, she always has this elaborate story as to "why" she was doing what she was doing.  The other really annoying thing is when you tell her she was doing something she shouldn't have been and she says, "I know I was just..."  argh!  It grates at my nerves! 

We're getting there.  I try to back off some, but at the same time I have to stay somewhat firm with her because she already feels/thinks she is a grown-up.

That's all for now!